On Monday I had my bi-weekly therapy session and discussed the topic of race, ethnicity, nationality and having sense of "belonging" somewhere or to someone. This year I'm taking a class in African American Studies called Blacks in American Society and we talk about Race as a Western idea. It seems as though you're either Black or you're White. It's either "us" or it's "them". These labels confuse me and always make me incredibly uneasy because I don't really know where I fit in. In terms of finding out my Nationality it's almost impossible, my birth parents had their parental rights terminated and my social worker can't give out any identifying information about them. I researched possible ways of finding this information out via DNA samples but they've all turned out to be scams.
I have no history, no real sense of who my ancestors are and I know there are probably other people out there who are in my same position. It's as if there's just been the last 21 years and nothing before it. In history class I always wondered where I would fit in.
We began to discuss what it means to belong to a community and what it means to take pride in that community. The definition of the word Community is a unified body of individuals, a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic, and political interest.
The places I feel the most at home, and like I belong is when I'm practising Martial Arts with others who have the same love of the sport that I do. I feel at home when I'm skating with friends and we're feeding of the energy of one another pushing ourselves to do better and try more difficult tricks, the same goes for snowboarding. I feel at home discussing Buddhism and mindfulness and how to be more aware of our surroundings and the world around you. These, in a sense, are my communities. I take great pride in these things and they've helped me tremendously throughout my 21 years on this earth.
Constantly wondering who I am, or what I am has caused me a lot of grief, suffering and sleepless nights. My name change and navigating where I feel the most comfortable and at home has helped me let go of the "wanting" to know who I am when I knew all along. I'm not completely free of this want which has caused much suffering, but I know how to let go of it and bring myself back from these distractions and destructive thoughts. It's as if a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders and I no longer have to feel ashamed or embarrassed for not knowing.
108.365
*Early this morning as I was climbing into bed I realised I forgot one community that I've been apart of since the age of 2 which is the Gay community. Not because I myself identify as gay but because my foster parents who later adopted me are a lesbian couple. Being apart of the gay community from such an early age has taught me not to judge people based on their outer appearance which is why the issue of race bothers me so much and has caused me so much grief.
I apologise for not including this earlier when it was one of the first things that should have come to mind.
2 comments:
Thanks for this wonderful post. The whole identity thing is so complex, and so telling about us all. People want to be able to pin you down as something, and when who you are doesn't fit, they get frustrated, overly curious, or simply reductionistic.
I've spent years studying issues of race, class, and injustice. Often I find that the mere mention of any of this automatically places my identity in limbo. I'm no longer the nice, educated white guy - I'm a trouble maker, a self hater, a traitor and dozens of other wacky labels.
Many white people desperately want this to be a post racial world, want the election of Obama to mean the end of such discussions. But the experiences you shared, as well as those of millions of others in the U.S., confirm that we have a lot of work to do. Generations of work to do.
My guess is that, as a white male, I will never experience the kind of intense scrutiny that, for example, my African-American male counterparts do when it comes to just about everything. I certainly haven't up until now, and figure that the work needed to change this dynamic will take decades.
In a Buddhist sense, though, it does make you wonder how we can take all this into our spiritual life. Your inability to answer basic questions about your family background provides such an interesting place of groundlessness - a constant reminder of emptiness as well. But it's also got to be really hard at times, so I really applaud that you've made some peace with it already, even if there is still work to go.
Thank you Nathan.
I'm glad that the feeling of a giant weight being lifted hasn't gone away. I was afraid that it would and I'd be back to square one. Right now I'm in the process of locking my hair for Dread-locks which will only confuse others further and make my life so much simpler. No more having to worry about how my hair looks. : ) I'd shave my head and just be done with all of it but I have a pretty gnarly scar (From a car accident.) that goes from one side and then over top my head to the other side and I'm pretty sure it would scare small children. Plus my mom gets pretty upset when she sees the scar, it was a very scary time for her and I'd feel bad seeing her get so upset all the time.
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