When I was 6 I was in a car accident that almost killed me and for a decade I was in and out of hospitals having cranial facial reconstructive surgeries. At 6 I didn't know what was going on, I didn't have the capacity to understand the gravity of the situation. All I knew was that my Daisy Scout troupe and I were on our way to a Parade and then I was in the hospital. I had no idea the next 10 years would be filled with surgeries and strange looks from people. I must admit, I was not a pretty sight when it was all said and done.
After being sick for almost two months I went to a local ENT and had a CT Scan done of my head. It's been 6 years since my last surgery, I was under the impression I was done with them. Today, I got news that it wasn't the case and that the work doctors had done 10 years ago was starting to deteriorate, my sinus cavity above my left eye needed to be worked on again. It's a major surgery that requires them to open up a scar that runs from one side of my head all the way over the top to the other side. The last time I had this surgery I was under for about 20 hours.
The past two months have been pretty depressing, I've missed a lot of school and am having trouble convincing some professors to let me make up my missed assignments. I've gotten comments that I don't look sick. I'm trying to bounce back from a bad first year of college and this has caused me to fall behind once again. I find myself feeling angry, upset, sad, frustrated. Mad. Mad at everyone who has ever driven drunk or put their life as well as someone else's at risk when they get behind the wheel intoxicated. Mad at the man who hit our car. Mad at the police who didn't arrest him earlier when he had pulled into a gas station.
I just don't know what to do with these emotions. I don't know how to handle them. When I was younger I just went with the flow, if I had to get a new IV 'cause I pulled the other one out I'd hold my arm out and close my eyes. If I had to lay still for an MRI, I'd try to replay my favourite movie in my head. If kids made fun of me because of my scars or the way I looked, I'd just shrug it off and go play with my friends.
I wish I could have that same carefree attitude.
3 comments:
You're in a tough place. I don't have much to offer for wisdom, other than to try and stay with what's coming up and being curious about it. Curious about the anger, sadness, disappointment.
Sending metta,
Nathan
I know you are angry about having to have surgery again, hell I'm angry about what happened to you. I was a few weeks shy of getting my drivers license when you were hurt and I've gotta admit I was shaken up.
I agree with Nathan, try to stay with what you're feeling and try not to push those emotions down too far. I know you pride yourself on being tough and keeping it all together for us, but it's okay to need someone to lean on.
Nathan- I've never felt anger, sadness or disappointment until recently. When I was younger and going through all of this I just went with the flow, but now I know so much more about what happened that there are all these unresolved feelings.
Ryder-I'm trying...gotta try to focus on school work at the same time.
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