Renaissance

You woke the morning up, 
Running off my darkest night, 
The longest fight I've seen...



He asked me about my past relationships and I didn't know what to say. Until that moment every answer was cool, and calculated. I knew what to say, I knew the answer. I had answers. This question stumped me, stopped me in my tracks and mocked me. I tried to play it off, said I had a few boyfriends in H.S, nothing serious. He told me about the few girlfriends he had during H.S and College. They were your typical, run-of-the-mill H.S romances.

I remember rubbing my thumb over the ridges of my corduroy pants, it calmed me.

The only thing I could think about was how fucked up the years between 5th grade and12th grade were. How angry and lost I was. Willing to do just about anything for what I thought was love, the only thing I knew as love. I spent a week in 6th grade completely wasted out of my mind after realizing that what was going on around me was wrong, that what was happening wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't a revelation as much as it was getting slapped in the face by reality, the sting has yet to go away. There wasn't anything that I could to do stop it, I didn't know how to stop it. My whole world was rocked and the only thing I wanted to do was run away. Lies were told. Walls were built and I stopped feeling.

I felt so safe in his arms over fall break, it was almost like I was high. I wanted to stay in his arms forever, feel proctected, wanted, loved. It was the most honest thing I had ever experienced.

With you, there is hope that one day I'll be able to let these demons out. One day these words won't have any power over me. The shame will disappear and turn into confidence. The hate will be replaced with love. The fear will melt away and I'll know I am strong. Self harm will no longer be an issue, I'll feel at home in my own body.